The Lull

These are thoughts born of three thousand words. Specifically, three thousand words I wrote in the form of an essay critiquing the performance which created the first real spark I've experienced of what I would like to be 'when I grow up'. Some of the sentences in the essay were better than that.

I had a long time to complete the essay, and I spent a long time completing the essay. The stages of research, of library trips, of referencing, of painstakingly removing the excess of approximately fifty words, reminded me or proved to me that I made the right decision in putting three more years of my life in the hands of education. Whether my future turns out to be practical or theoretical, I feel I am gaining a solid foundation of both here.

As I have done before, writing these thoughts before I know the grade I received for the collection of my three thousand little words seems preferable to after. Unbiased and unclouded, I want to remember how I am feeling now, at the completion of The Longest Thing I Have Ever Written, and uninfluenced by the judgement of another.

I go to Japan to study abroad for 4 months in a matter of weeks. With Mr 3,000 out of the way, my schedule is free from work until I venture to libraries on a different continent. It is not free from two plays, one musical, frisbee tournaments, a job and work experience. Yet I have encountered a pleasing lull in university life, felt especially on a sunny Saturday afternoon with nothing in particular to do. I've had time to reflect on how ridiculous the last year and a half has been. Partying, writing, shopping, cooking, reading, socialising, travelling. How terrible it is that the activities which are to most a matter of course at university have the ability to drag you down.

Of the people I know well, I can't think of a single one who hasn't struggled at some point along the way. I remember the talk we went to in our Freshers Week; amusing, innuendo-ridden, and concluding with the overall message that this won't be easy, and no-one will plain-sail through the ocean of books, relationships and Life that stretches out. The most fitting adjective so far, to describe the situation of being almost exactly half-way through a degree, is 'overwhelming'. At times it feels this whole process is to show me just how much I will never know. The points I could have explored further in that essay, if only I'd had the time and space!

Everyone feels their head slipping under the tirade at some point, and it doesn't even matter if it's not to do with an assignment specifically. The human interaction you're forced into, the cooking you must learn to do, the time you must find to learn words and train and practice, all of this is the experience of being at university, and it's not shameful to have a hard time dealing with any of it. There are so many clichés I could type, but I am loathe to do so. Just try to break out of the isolation you feel, because there is someone else who understands how you feel, and if they don't, they want to keep you company while you feel it. This is new to us all, and we all have moments when we struggle with the onslaught.

Personally, I've been dwelling on the plays I will never have the funds to see, the books time to read, or the places the ability to travel to. A needlessly sad enterprise, as it happens, and I think what I'm learning currently is that the most important factor in my life are indeed those choices we make. As much as I would have liked to, I cannot study ALL the subjects at university, so how much does it mean that Drama and English stole the top spot? As much as I would like to, I cannot learn ALL the things, so think how much emphasis it puts on the knowledge I have gained, and will gain. I have the ability here to decide exactly what the most important things are, and learn about them. Even if that's only my opinion, how incredible. That's why I've just bought a book about the Natural History Museum.

So continue, fast-paced, poorly funded, terrifying degree. All that you're bringing with you I can face, because I choose to.

Yours, head-on,
Abby

Cheer Up

Let's face it. The only factor which really has an effect on your mood, is you. Admittedly, some emotions are uncontrollable. The act of laughter, the intensity of crippling pain, emotional or physical, and the effect it has on you. But that's fleeting. One day in your life spent curled in bed is nothing. I have about 30,059 more to live through cheerfully, and at this stage remaining unhappy would simply be negligence.

Life is not predictable, and we have very little control over it. If we were never sad, we'd never know when we were happy. If we were never scared, we'd never realise that we were safe. If we never failed, we'd never know the exultation of achievement.

I need to learn that such is the course of it all. I need to realise that without the balance I wouldn't appreciate how wonderful my world actually is. I need to understand the dependence I have on the network of people around me. My mother, promising that I will never have to live on 50 pence bread alone. The rest of my family, keeping in touch and visiting and solidly present when I need them. Amy and Robin, making me surprises of hot chocolate (made of chocolate!) and chocolate cake (with nutella on top!) when I need it. My frisbee crew, asking if I'm all right and saying they missed me on Saturday. The strangers in the shop who ask how I am, and genuinely seem to mean it, and with whom I have a little chat. Having ridiculous amounts of fun choreographing a piece for Drama, and planning costumes and props and music. My best friends from home, and the day I get to see them again drawing closer. When I line them all up like this and there's more, I can't imagine how I could ever find myself feeling unhappy.

So what if things haven't quite gone my way? I'm not a believer in cosmic plans, but there is always something waiting around the corner, and now I'll have time to meet it full on. When I know what it is, I'll let you know.

It's time to stop indulging in false misery. For one thing, I haven't the time, but also because, when I think it through, I'm not really miserable at all.

Yours, cheerfully
Abby

Charlie Charlie Charlie

Something happened recently, and I'm not entirely sure where I want to go with this blog post, but we'll see where we end up.

Charlie Mcdonnell is a Youtuber from Bath who currently has 1.68 million subscribers. When I first truly discovered the potential of Youtube - how completely this little site is a community - the nature of Charlie's skill became apparent. He has a magnetic personality, which shines through in everything he makes. He is cheery, and creative, and genuine, as well as funny, sensitive, and doesn't take himself too seriously. Also Stephen Fry voices his outros. It never comes as a surprise to me to see multiple comments asking for Charlie's hand in the comments of his videos.

Part of the follow-ability (who needs real words? Whatever.) of Charlie is his willingness to share his audience. I've become something of a Youtube addict, subscribed to over 80 channels, and many of these are people Charlie has collaborated with or mentioned in his videos, and the rest are people those people have mentioned. It's a slippery slope. (Actually, I lie, I small portion is due to my odd and eclectic music tastes). I am aware it's my opinion, as there are many influential Youtubers out there, but to me, Charlie is the centre of the Youniverse.

Therefore, as time went on, and I noticed a distinct lack of content from Charlie's channel, charlieissocoollike, I was not the only one. Because the quality of his work is so high, and the effort which goes in so entirely apparent, I for one assumed he was just putting that much time into each video, and that he had a life to get on with outside of Youtube as well. But after about a year of less and less of Charlie's face in the 'most viewed' section of Youtube's front page, I and his other millions of viewers were faced with this heart-wrenching video:

And his followers responded. All over the internet there are people rallying for Charlie to get back to being comfortable enough to entertain us. On the video, on his website, on twitter, and in video responses. The latter is where I was most impressed. The sheer number of friends from the community who know him personally, as well as those who don't, showed how empathetic humans will be when someone lays their heart bare. And because we all understand. Of course we do. The terror of putting yourself out there, trying to make people laugh, or think, or lead better lives, only to be beaten down and criticised is a feeling we all have known. To some people this is felt by posting their opinions on the internet, but to others it can be felt in as small an action as raising their hand in class.

One of my favourite reactions is from another Youtuber who doesn't post so often, but when he does, wow. I can go into this another time, for now I just want you to listen to Michael Aranda, and his wise, wise words:

Without being falsely complimentary of covering up the truth, he makes me feel so much better about my problems, and the video wasn't even directed at me.

I think this is something which has made me love people a little bit more over this past week. We're all different, and that's wonderful. But we are a little bit the same too, and when we realise this, and put the plea for help out there, friends, family and strangers will respond. Even just the knowledge of the potential for support can help me through a difficult time.

Yours, lovingly,

Abby