Knowing

I've never had a set goal in my mind of where my life's going. When I was 5 I wanted to work in a shop because I like lining things up and wanted to make the things go 'beep'. Not a direct quote but it was something along those lines. I do currently work in my University's Student Union shop, which is a lovely job; I get to see my friends and they work around my timetable and it's not far to go. However I wouldn't exactly say that I want to stay as a shop assistant there forever.

As you grow older your ambitions are supposed to grow bigger in some ways, smaller in others. Downsizing in terms of understanding your limitations, for example. It would be difficult, and in some cases impossible for certain children to become astronauts, princesses, or in my case, a mermaid. Achieved as far as possible, I think. But as you understand yourself more, you realise career prospects you would be suited to. Are you caring? Hands-on? Athletic? Political? Your skills and interests line you up to pursue certain paths.

But what if everything interests you? What if, at GCSE level, you could have quite happily taken Geography, History, Japanese, Drama or Music as your extra choices? Psychology wouldn't have been to bad either, had it been offered. And what if, conversely, a great many things frighten you? Death, upset, boredom. It's been so hard for me to align all the parts of myself with a road to walk cycle down.

BUT THEN... University! In the end I just went with something I enjoyed. Something I knew relatively little about, but was anxious to explore and delve into the open and ever-changing world. A subject which seems to fit my personality, my style. A subject which is more academic than many realise, but is at times, hilariously physical. Plenty of extra-curricular to be involved in, too.

Why, drama, of course! Augmented with English to make me seem more smart (so that I could take the term in Japan) I embarked on a whole new subject to see where it would lead. 'Exploration' is probably the best word to describe my course. Of the self, of society, of literature. Of the space you're occupying, of expectations, of everything there is. Mickey-mouse? No. Easy option? No. Tell that to my 3,000 word critical analysis.

Which brings me back to the title, and my meandering train of thought. The analysis I have to write is of a performance I and 4 others produced, devised and scripted ourselves, from completely nada. Small inspiration from lectures on clowning and other forms of popular performance and comedians/comedic performances we already knew and love, but essentially, there was no structure to follow. This was shown most strongly by the diversity of the group performances, and the directions we had all taken.

I don't know if I've ever had so much fun creating something before. I don't know that I have created something entirely out of nothing before. I loved it. Pure and simple. We had to think of everything; costume, props, music/soundtrack, characterisation, and all the explorations I mentioned. We did well, mark-wise, although I maintain that it's not so important at this stage. We made them laugh, a much greater achievement in my eyes, because it shows we have something to work with, a slight spark we can flame.

We are tentative about our dreams these days, at this age. We are worried that others will doubt our ability, and will seem arrogant or ignorant or naive. So I shan't say that I know what it is that I want to spend my whole life doing. I am not sure that I will ever know. I seem too flighty, too intent on learning everything about everything to settle, but if I had to pick something and never diverge, it would be this. Devising, understanding, creating, playing.

Your age is just a number, and I think there's so much to be said for ignoring it.

Oh, jelly and squirty cream. That's me covered in jelly and squirty cream.

Yours, playfully,

Abby