Monday, 12 November 2012

Too Many Feels

It seems I am always so angry/passionate about something. Whether it be gender politics, rights for the disabled, the disadvantages of technology, oh my goodness, all the things, I seem to have an opinion on. It can't be making me any friends. I, for one, enjoy a good debate which everyone can just walk away from at the end, but what if everyone else doesn't feel the same way? What if most others hate being challenged, and I'm riling everybody? But what's my alternative? Wander through life in a daze, never questioning or caring or wanting to change anything at all? So many questions. Maybe I'd be fine if I wasn't too worried about what everyone else thinks of me thinking my thinks. But I am! I'll get properly into an argument and not be worried at all at the time but I think I have a debater alter-ego who's not worried about the same things I am in real life. After the heated discussion is over and we've walked away (either physically or mentally) I'm sure the other party forgets everything we've just spoken about. But I get anxious about everything I've just said, will re-play everything over and over to try and convince myself I had my side of the argument correct, get nervous about seeing that person again, or even cry. Yes, really. I'll often try to distract myself immediately after a debate, watching Youtube or working or striking up a new conversation with someone, but my thoughts will return to the agonising possibility that I may have hurt someone's feelings or stirred up someone's beliefs. And the question logically follows, 'What were you trying to achieve if it wasn't those things?' And I have no answer. An irritating conflict of aspects of my personality; wanting to stir things up, keep people's opinions fresh, but wanting to make sure that everyone I know feels constantly all right, that they're not worried about anything, that I've done all in my power to make sure I'm supporting them 100%.
No paragraphs today, no eloquence, no flowers in this language. Too many feels.

Yours, overwhelmed,

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