One Year

What's a year? It's nothing at all. Not even a blink of the universe's eye, barely a flutter of its eyelashes. This show is infinite. In a truly never-ending spectacle of distance and time, how could we have the audacity to think that one year of our tiny earthly home is worth anything at all? Our own planet will not remember us forever. Our own tiny waterlogged stamping ground, who's largest leap has so far only taken us to the planet next door. There are entire galaxies undiscovered, why do we think surviving one rotation of our greenish blue planet around one small star is in any way spectacular?

There are several billion people living out their lives here every day. Sorrows they feel we may never come close to, certain happinesses will never be ours. Even their triumphs could never be matched by us. The longest-living couple have been together 87 years, did you know that? So just one of those little years together, how dare we think it's special at all?

I'll tell you why. This is our infinite we're living. This relationship has outlived whole lifetimes of some creatures, it's all relative. In reality, someone else's triumphs don't make yours any less great, and we can't  go around not feeling as proud of what we've achieved in order to congratulate others. Luckily, happiness isn't limited in this world, and there's no reason we should feel less content than a couple celebrating 100 years together in the future.

We've gone through four seasons, a handful of arguments, a thousand kisses, a cluster of frisbee tournaments, too many lengthy separations... and come out the other side. I'm all for holding myself to unrealistic standards, and this aspect of my life is not one of them. One year's an achievement, and one I've not experienced before. I enjoy your ongoing film education of me, I enjoy cooking with you, I enjoy hotly disputed frisbee tactics on-pitch, and the promises and that it was nothing personal once we're calm and off-pitch. I enjoy your little eccentricities, and travelling with you. How safe, how happy, how comfortable I am with every aspect of being with you; it would be impossible to deny that this is something I've got right.

Level up: Round 2...

The Lull

These are thoughts born of three thousand words. Specifically, three thousand words I wrote in the form of an essay critiquing the performance which created the first real spark I've experienced of what I would like to be 'when I grow up'. Some of the sentences in the essay were better than that.

I had a long time to complete the essay, and I spent a long time completing the essay. The stages of research, of library trips, of referencing, of painstakingly removing the excess of approximately fifty words, reminded me or proved to me that I made the right decision in putting three more years of my life in the hands of education. Whether my future turns out to be practical or theoretical, I feel I am gaining a solid foundation of both here.

As I have done before, writing these thoughts before I know the grade I received for the collection of my three thousand little words seems preferable to after. Unbiased and unclouded, I want to remember how I am feeling now, at the completion of The Longest Thing I Have Ever Written, and uninfluenced by the judgement of another.

I go to Japan to study abroad for 4 months in a matter of weeks. With Mr 3,000 out of the way, my schedule is free from work until I venture to libraries on a different continent. It is not free from two plays, one musical, frisbee tournaments, a job and work experience. Yet I have encountered a pleasing lull in university life, felt especially on a sunny Saturday afternoon with nothing in particular to do. I've had time to reflect on how ridiculous the last year and a half has been. Partying, writing, shopping, cooking, reading, socialising, travelling. How terrible it is that the activities which are to most a matter of course at university have the ability to drag you down.

Of the people I know well, I can't think of a single one who hasn't struggled at some point along the way. I remember the talk we went to in our Freshers Week; amusing, innuendo-ridden, and concluding with the overall message that this won't be easy, and no-one will plain-sail through the ocean of books, relationships and Life that stretches out. The most fitting adjective so far, to describe the situation of being almost exactly half-way through a degree, is 'overwhelming'. At times it feels this whole process is to show me just how much I will never know. The points I could have explored further in that essay, if only I'd had the time and space!

Everyone feels their head slipping under the tirade at some point, and it doesn't even matter if it's not to do with an assignment specifically. The human interaction you're forced into, the cooking you must learn to do, the time you must find to learn words and train and practice, all of this is the experience of being at university, and it's not shameful to have a hard time dealing with any of it. There are so many clichés I could type, but I am loathe to do so. Just try to break out of the isolation you feel, because there is someone else who understands how you feel, and if they don't, they want to keep you company while you feel it. This is new to us all, and we all have moments when we struggle with the onslaught.

Personally, I've been dwelling on the plays I will never have the funds to see, the books time to read, or the places the ability to travel to. A needlessly sad enterprise, as it happens, and I think what I'm learning currently is that the most important factor in my life are indeed those choices we make. As much as I would have liked to, I cannot study ALL the subjects at university, so how much does it mean that Drama and English stole the top spot? As much as I would like to, I cannot learn ALL the things, so think how much emphasis it puts on the knowledge I have gained, and will gain. I have the ability here to decide exactly what the most important things are, and learn about them. Even if that's only my opinion, how incredible. That's why I've just bought a book about the Natural History Museum.

So continue, fast-paced, poorly funded, terrifying degree. All that you're bringing with you I can face, because I choose to.

Yours, head-on,
Abby

Masks

I like to imagine what life would be like if no one had a screen to hide behind. Those people, you know the type, who act like they're all that because they dress in a certain way and own certain brands.

What if we didn't have foundation and everyone could see what skin actually looks like?
What if we didn't swathe ourselves in material and everyone could see what bodies actually look like?
What if we didn't wear high heels and everyone could see how long legs actually are?
What if we didn't have bras with padding in and everyone knew that we're all different sizes and shapes?
What if we didn't have jewellery and no one knew how much you can afford to spend on precious metals?

Don't misunderstand, I adore self-expression and clashing colours and bold prints and neutral tones and pastel shades and interesting textures and sparkly things and feeling great.

But... why do we need these things to feel great? Clothing, in fact appearance in general should be an accompaniment to ourselves, not an article to hide ourselves behind. Wouldn't it be nice if the reason you came home happy at the end of the day was because you'd managed to make more people laugh than normal, or because someone complimented you on your smile?

I just wonder how relationships and friendships and the way people interact would change if it was all swept away. If all the wobbles and freckles and mismatchedness and insecurities were on show, maybe they wouldn't be insecurities at all.

Yours, naked,
Abby

Entwined

He knows well the curve of her back, the smell of her hair.
She misses his arms, one under her neck, one cradling her waist, if they're not present.
Breathing slows, mumbling ceases, and they slip into dreams where they can run.
Run with the deer, soar with the falcons, and glide with the otters.

In dreaming, they understand how to live. Everything is easy, easy as breathing.
No decisions, no choices, and no parting, they can explore their own world together.
By the giggling stream they can chase the ripples, in the sun-drenched field they can spy the clouds.
In the rain they can dance, and in the storms they can race.


Upon waking, nothing is as clear.
The swirl of responsibilities pushes and pulls them, the currents allowing brief glimpses,
But never the freedom they had by the brook.
Exhaustion draws near, happiness is tattered, tempers flare.

But their worldly troubles can be pushed aside for a day here, an evening there,
So that they can return for a spell to the place they were free.

Chill Out

"A memory test - What were you worrying about one year ago today?"

Something I am exceptionally good at, worrying. About? Oh, about money, uni work (2nd year counts?!), my job, being punctual, eating well, the dark, my relationship, the future, audition rejections, my appearance, cleaning the house, keeping everyone happy, performing well at frisbee, my health... the list, as they say, is endless. And see if you can tell how many of those I have absolutely nothing to worry about. That, my situation regarding them is perfect, and I wouldn't change a thing about them.

It's odd, we battle with so many things, and try to better ourselves in so many ways, how is it that so many of the things that keep me awake at night are not problems at all, are even barely the potential to become problems in the future.

"I've been through terrible things in my life... and some of them have actually happened"

I think I've become so used to dealing with stress in my life that if there isn't any - it stresses me out. I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed; I enjoy often telling the story of how I used to get stress nose-bleeds in GCSE chemistry lessons because I couldn't understand a single stupid thing. Isn't the irony beautiful? Something which used to cause me so much discomfort, actually provides me with entertainment a few years on down the line. And I still don't know what a freakin' mole is.

What I'm trying to say, is that everyone needs to chill. I see constant facebook updates worrying about deadlines, and admittedly it is reassuring to know that I'm not the only one, but I think instead of everyone rushing through life in a blind panic, we should all make a pact to stop the hell worrying about it all. If I just review my life, and breathe, and imagine how in a year's time I'll be making people laugh with tales of my present situation, it helps. Of course that's not actually very constructive, so here is some real advice if worrying about everything is a problem for you, too.

1. Write it all down, in order of priority - Not only will you realise you have no way near as much to do as you think, it'll encourage you to do the most important thing first instead of putting it off.
2. Take breaks during work - Especially important, because it's so easily overlooked. If you don't take 15-20 minute breaks every couple of hours you're just going to lose concentration and go round in circles and take twice as long to get anything done.
3. Ask! - Teachers, lecturers, classmates, anyone you know who has some level of expertise in the subject you're struggling with, will probably feel touched that you've come to them for help. So have chats with people when you get stuck.
4. Don't be so hard on yourself - No one in the world is as hard on yourself as you are. Instead of finding fault with everything, work hard at discovering what you like about your body, personality, whatever. Make a list of things you would never change. Add to it all the time. This girl will help you out: Laci Green
5. You can't be friends with everyone - One that's particularly hard for me to take, if you have opinions, some people will disagree with you. As hard as you try, Abigail, you will not be able to get on with them all. Learn to appreciate those closest to you so that the others cease to matter so much.
6. Ignore the advertising - You are beautiful. Yes, you really are. You're just going to have to get used to it. Ignore products telling you to be thinner, younger, smoother, taller, curvier, big-eyed and pouty. They will never leave you alone and you will never feel good enough. Come to terms with how you really look, and it will be hard for people to shake your confidence.
7. Don't let rejection get you down - It can be horrible, putting yourself in a position of vulnerability and being trodden all over, but try not to let it get to you. Stand up, shake it off, and the most important thing here is that you learn from what went wrong. In most cases, it's not because there's anything wrong with you, it's just that you're not what the Director, boy, girl, etc. was looking for. But don't change for them, soon you will be the person someone is looking for.
8. Use. Your. Words. - Directing this one at relationship issues, but applicable in literally any situation. No one (apart from Derren Brown) can read minds. Are there problems? Talk about them, they will be resolved. Is something going well? Talk about it, so it can be repeated. You just want to have a moan? Your partner will probably be glad to know what's going on in your head, and relieved that it's nothing to do with them. I can't stress this one enough, but I'll give it a go. Use Your Words.
9. Take tissues to chemistry lessons

Of course these are all personal to me, both the problems and the solutions, and things you're struggling with may not correlate with mine at all. But I hope that I have encouraged you to try and think a little more positively about everything.

I think that's probably enough for now. I didn't realise just how much I had to say on this subject until I started writing. I might return to this at some point, but I need to stop for a while. I was only exploring this subject to try and stop myself worrying about my first assignment of the year (due in a week), after all.

Chill out, y'all

Abby